Overcoming Childhood Separation Anxiety with Reading

Understanding Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood

Separation anxiety is a common developmental phase for young children, typically emerging between six months and three years of age. This period is marked by distress or fear when a child is separated from their primary caregiver, often manifesting as crying, clinginess, or reluctance to engage in new environments, such as daycare or preschool.

While separation anxiety is a natural sign of a child’s attachment and growing awareness of their environment, it can be challenging for both children and caregivers. Recognizing that these feelings are a normal part of early childhood development is the first step in providing the proper support and reassurance.

Separation Anxiety by Age and Stage

Infants: Separation anxiety develops once a baby understands object permanence—when they realize you’re truly gone. Some babies show this as early as 4–5 months, but it is usually strongest around 9 months. Goodbyes are often harder when babies are hungry, tired, or not feeling well, so keep transitions short and predictable on tough days.

Toddlers: Some children first show separation anxiety around 15–18 months. Separations are especially challenging when toddlers are hungry, tired, or sick—which can feel like much of toddlerhood. As their independence grows, they become more aware of being apart, and their reactions may be loud, tearful, and slow to calm.

Preschoolers: By age 3, most children understand that their reactions at goodbye can influence us. Their feelings are still real, but they are also hoping to change the plan. Stay calm and consistent. Avoid returning to the room or canceling plans based on last-minute pleas. Your steady routine, clear explanations, and reliability in returning when you say you will are essential.

Tools for Easing Your Child’s Separation Anxiety

1. Create quick goodbye rituals. Keep your goodbye short and sweet—a special handshake, three quick kisses at the cubby, or a favorite blanket or toy. The longer you linger, the longer the transition (and the anxiety) lasts.

2. Be consistent. Use the same drop-off routine at roughly the same time each day. A predictable pattern reduces heartache and helps your child build trust in both their independence and in you.

3. Give your full attention. At separation, focus entirely on your child. Offer affection, then say goodbye calmly and quickly, even if they protest or cry.

4. Keep your promise. Follow through on when you say you’ll return. This builds trust and confidence in your child’s ability to be without you. Avoid going back “just to visit” after a hard drop-off—this can restart the separation anxiety and make future goodbyes harder.

5. Be specific, child style. Explain your return in terms your child understands. Instead of “I’ll be back at 3 p.m.,” say, “I’ll be back after nap time and before snack.” For trips, use “sleeps”: “I’ll be home after three sleeps.”

6. Practice being apart. Give your child low-stress chances to be away from you—time at Grandma’s, short playdates, or an hour with trusted friends or family. Before starting child care or preschool, practice visiting the classroom and walking through your goodbye ritual so your child can prepare, practice, and thrive in your absence.

Using Books to Strengthen Bonds and Soothe Fears

Intentional book selection can make a significant difference in easing separation anxiety. Look for stories that reflect children’s real-life experiences and model reassuring coping strategies. Books like Audrey Penn's The Kissing Hand introduce a simple ritual—placing a kiss in the child’s palm—that becomes a tangible reminder of a caregiver’s love throughout the day. In the story, school is starting in the forest, but Chester Raccoon does not want to go. To help calm his fears, Mrs. Raccoon shares a family secret called the Kissing Hand, giving him a way to feel her love whenever the world feels a little scary.

Since its publication in 1993, this heartwarming book has become a children’s classic, supporting millions of children and caregivers through moments of separation—whether starting school, entering daycare, or heading off to camp. Many kindergarten teachers now incorporate it into their first-day routines to help children feel seen, comforted, and ready to begin.

Repetition is key. Rereading favorite books before transitions or separations can anchor a child’s sense of security. Encourage interactive reading by asking questions, inviting children to share their feelings, and creating personalized rituals inspired by the stories you read together.